at last i survived that tragic week....

anyway, what i'm going to write about now is a bit bitterweet-ish kind of article. .i'm really in full emotional mood swing right now..

when i come to think of it.. it really makes me sad when i think about all the past relationships i've had with people i used to consider really special, and i am too, to them.. i have lost contact with used-to-be bestfriends i had starting elem years.. i guess one thing that has never changed about me is the fact thaT i'm still very possessive and..... possessive. siguro nga i don't show it much but i really am. in my heart of hearts, i have high standards when it comes to friendship. i value loyalty and openmindedness. i love my friends because i consider them as my true sanctuary. in my life when there's not a lot to lean on to---i really am in need of a great friend. well, God never failed to provide me with such people.. but though i've had so many great relationships--the saddest part is drifting apart.. it's like they fell out of love with you all of a sudden and the love they want is in the form of a male specie, armed with raging hormones and mind blowing....testicles. ewan. and all of a sudden, i'm not the one needed in times of troubles, when they're feeling down. they love me, yeah, but i'm not what they need anymore... and so i learn to accept--understand--and let go. and let my self be blown wherever the wind takes me. because i know i will have to let myself be blown again...being the way i am, i refuse to think that what i need too, is a boyfriend or someone to share my heart with intimately.. i mean... is that all there is to it? all i want is company.. i don't think i have ever fallen in love for someone so hard.. ive been burnt and hurt in the past, yes.. but truly fell in love? nah..

im just really lonely.

im just a bit miserable.

vulnerable.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

wanting to be loved.

so there, i admit. but i also wanna love too. i may be tough and hard to please, but what im really searching for is magic... and in the past 17 yrs of my life...there wasn't a single one.

i miss my past best friends.  ian and mac, judith and michelle, inia and kat, cj and ...i miss the way rain made me feel whenever we talk or we're together. i miss being thrilled. i miss the fun and excitement my life used to have... i miss most especially--liz.

i'm just like a flame of fire. a bonfire. a lit candle.

i could light up people's lives, keep them warm, and intrigue them with my color and beauty--make them wanna touch my blue and red tongues.. but when warm summer comes, they put me out with cold water or some (just to ease everything out) gives me a soft warm blow... because they simply don't need me anymore. i have kept them warm enought to survive the biting cold, and now they survived and the storm is over.. i would have to wait until they take me out of the dark and light me up again....

i hate being lied to especially if it's one of my best friends who's lying to me.

i'm telling you it's hurts like......like basta ansakit. ive had the worst week,. it all started last saturday. do u know the feeling when u'r forced to do something you don't really wanna do and then people keep  butting in to whatever you wanna do next and then on sunday everyone in my house acts like a total pain in the ass.monday comes and i'm really ticked off. i could've taken valuum and it won't make a difference. i'm feeling down to the lowest level.i had to take the cab home for three days--alone--all my allownace is spent. then i found out my very best friend lied to me about her whereabouts when she was with her bf all along....it's a very long story.

im really stressed. im hating my older cousin, im hating all the shitty things in my life that's not supposed to be happening.fuck this life. it sucks

Currently Playing Officially Missing You By Tamia see related

  it's funny how i used to despise rock and punk music... but ever since i got into cfad, i fell in love with them. i have a new lifestyle, and really, im sorry to say it ain't a healthy one. i now smoke and drink a lot, and yeah i know it's bad for my health--but hey.. this is me... soon enough i'll stop of course.. but as of now, i really enjoy being a teenager.

i love my friends.. i never wanna let em go..

did u ever feel really bored with your life?when there's a lot to do and keep yourself entertained with but you're just not interested..? and when thre's one thing your totally interested in, you can't touch it.  here's  the thing:

i like this guy.. but it just happened that we can't possibly be together. wanna hear the reasons why?

1. we're too much a like. ( yeah you'd think that's a good sign, right?)

2. we have too many common friends that will have their eyebrows raised once they hear about us.

3. we're not in love

4. night time is not the best time for us to be together. [if u know what i mean]

so those are just some of the stuffs that's bein happening lately...actually, im over it now. the hell with him,. i guess we just met at the right time, and that time was the time when we were both feeling lonely.. shit happens. i don't wanna ruin our friendship over something that'll never happen. i love guys (grabe papa) but i love me more. haha.

so to all the ladies out there: think girl.

 i didn't know what i was thinking when i decided to put up a xanga account, anyway,it's funny how people would want to put up their feelings and secrets for the whole world to see, when they don't even have the guts to tell it right out to their own friends.